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Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General’s office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator. While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread or accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.
The Surgeon General warns:
1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher meal.
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your accomplice!"
6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmatian with spot remover.
7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
15. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
18. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
19. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
26. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
28. Never walk your dog around someone else’s living room with a pooper scooper in your hand.
29. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too hot."
31. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn’t leave you alone, you plan to cheat again next year.
35. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian homeland.
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